I'm extremely disappointed to be inducting this movie into my DVD Hall of Shame category. The latest film conceived and directed by Rob Zombie, it had all the potential to be a 70s throwback horror chiller and something a bit different. But something went very wrong and I blame the scripting department!
Lords of Salem is, obviously, set in Salem where the witch trials happened centuries earlier. It is the modern day and Heidi (played by the always gorgeous Sherri Moon Zombie, although in this she looks a lot older than in previous films) is a single woman who DJs at a rock radio station with her two friends both named Herman. Heidi seems like a cool chick (Rob Zombie's usual eye for cool props and bizarre imagery smashed together is fully intact here). But after seeing some weird things going on in the apartment just up the hall from hers, Heidi then receives a package with a record from a band called "The Lords". Upon playing the record, it has a weird effect on Heidi and other women in the town who go into a bit of trance and seem to see flashbacks of a coven of witches trying to summon forth the devil at the birth of a fellow witch's baby. Does Heidi, a recovering drug addict, tell her friends or anyone or try to do anything about these weird events? No. She just tries to go on with life, staring sadly around or crying. Events escalate as The Lords become a hit band and arrange a concert in Salem. Heidi just slides deeper into sadness. Her friend eventually tries to help her but his attempt is pretty pathetic as by now Heidi is already under some kind of spell that seems to have something to do with her suspect landlady and her two mates.
An initial sense of creeping dread soon turns into boredom, which converts into total "what the hell?" confusion as things get quite weird but still pretty boring. Are long slow shots of hallways deemed scary? They're not, but they're about the scariest thing about this alleged horror film. All the scenes of the witches coven in the past go for way too long. The character of Francis Matthias (Bruce Davison) who is an author specialising in Salem history and who does really try to help Heidi, is really just a lazy plot device to attempt to make it seem like there is a storyline here. There isn't. The only plus sides would be the music (chilling beauty from John 5ive and presumably Mr Zombie) and, according to my man, Sherri Moon's bare backside in several scenes of her sleeping.
The film just has no point and nothing to say that I could work out. The ending is trying to be a cool twist but is really a total disappointment. I can't even figure out whether the explanation for it was that she was possessed, cursed, weak-minded, on drugs or hallucinating. Just a total waste of 90 minutes. Oh and depressing too - I just felt like crap afterwards. Hopefully the guy who has brought us a lot of cool movies before (House of 1000 Corpses, Devil's Rejects, Halloween remake) can bounce back from this pile of rubbish. If anyone disagrees and/or has any theories on what this was trying to say, please do share.
Showing posts with label DVD Hall of Shame Posts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label DVD Hall of Shame Posts. Show all posts
Saturday, 15 February 2014
Saturday, 6 July 2013
This is 40 - Short DVD Review
This is 40 is a Judd Apatow (director of 40 Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up etc etc) production starring Paul Rudd and Leslie Mann (Apatow's wife) as a married couple struggling to admit that they are hitting the big 4-0 and having a few financial issues, with Apatow and Mann's real life daughters as the two squabbling daughters.
This movie is awful. It's 2 hours of people shouting at each other or saying really awful things to each other or interacting really awkwardly. If this is what marriage is like, I'm so glad I haven't done it. If this is what having kids is like, I'm glad I haven't done that either. I admit there were a few moments in this movie where I laughed (mainly Melissa McCarthy's scenes) but you can see most of them in the trailer. This is 2 hours of my life I'll never get back and I was wishing it was over while we were watching it. A rare fail by Mr Apatow and his troupe of usually good comedians.
I'd give this a 3 out of 10.
This movie is awful. It's 2 hours of people shouting at each other or saying really awful things to each other or interacting really awkwardly. If this is what marriage is like, I'm so glad I haven't done it. If this is what having kids is like, I'm glad I haven't done that either. I admit there were a few moments in this movie where I laughed (mainly Melissa McCarthy's scenes) but you can see most of them in the trailer. This is 2 hours of my life I'll never get back and I was wishing it was over while we were watching it. A rare fail by Mr Apatow and his troupe of usually good comedians.
I'd give this a 3 out of 10.
Sunday, 8 April 2012
DVD Hall of Shame #1 - Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 1
Several disclaimers upfront about this review:
1) I have read the Twilight books and quite liked them even though I didn't realise it was young adult fiction when I bought the first one.
2) I didn't mind the last Twilight movie.
3) I was on a plane flying to Thailand when I watched this movie in the seat back screen.
4) There will be spoilers in this review so do not read if you are planning to see this movie and don't know what happens.
Do any of the above influence how I felt about this movie? Possibly the third one (when you watch movies on a plane to Asia they have usually been cut, plus there are so many stops and starts and distractions on planes) did contribute but I think no matter where I saw it, it would still be a stinker. The first half of the book was so boring and this whole movie is the first half of the book.
The plot of this instalment is very basic - Edward and Bella get married, go on their honeymoon, fall pregnant and have a baby. That is why the movie is so boring. Literally nothing of interest happens for the first half an hour at least. The wedding is sappy and the honeymoon is sooooo slow and dull - Bella's "seduction" attempts on Edward are laughable. For a real-life hot and heavy couple, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson don't have a lot of chemistry even when acting out the sex scene which of course is heavily veiled for the teen audience, just as the book was. When Bella realises she is pregnant with a half human-half vampire baby, which should not be possible in the book's mythology, things do start to happen. The main one being that the werewolf pack finds out and decides the baby must be killed, which splits the pack as Jacob vs the rest. The vampires must band together to protect Bella, who is fighting her own battle against the baby inside her which grows too fast and has a thirst for blood.
The only action in this movie is a brief vamps and werewolves vs werewolves fight which is well executed. Everything else is just really dull, with even cornier dialogue than previous outings and Jacob rips his shirt off and runs off into the forest, muscles rippling, inside the first 3 minutes. The thing I found most annoying was the bits in the book that were left out of this movie, even though being split into two instalments there should be more time to cover things off. One of the more interesting parts was how Rosalie was made into a vampire and therefore why she is the only one who sides with Bella about the baby - this is all skipped over leaving you wondering why she is suddenly so protective when she had previously been very cold towards Bella. Another part that was not conveyed well in the movie if you haven't read the book was how BIG of a goodbye Bella is saying to her family as she leaves for the honeymoon. With her plan being to be turned into a vampire after the honeymoon, she will not be able to see her family and friends anymore. However, you wouldn't really understand the emotion from the movie and Kristen's acting, other than to think "wow, that was an extra long hug". OK, perhaps disclaimer #1 above does influence my view of the movie a little.
In summary, the movie is corny, boring and very average. The ending does promise something more interesting to happen in the final instalment, as the ruling Volturi clan get wind of the baby's existence and speculate on what her special power may be and how it might be of use or threat to them. Do not read the next sentence if you don't want a spoiler - stop reading now. The funniest thing about the ending is that it seems to be quite promising of action and drama, but if you've read the book, you will know that it is all a bit of an anti-climax. Will I be going? I think I'll wait for DVD.
1) I have read the Twilight books and quite liked them even though I didn't realise it was young adult fiction when I bought the first one.
2) I didn't mind the last Twilight movie.
3) I was on a plane flying to Thailand when I watched this movie in the seat back screen.
4) There will be spoilers in this review so do not read if you are planning to see this movie and don't know what happens.
Do any of the above influence how I felt about this movie? Possibly the third one (when you watch movies on a plane to Asia they have usually been cut, plus there are so many stops and starts and distractions on planes) did contribute but I think no matter where I saw it, it would still be a stinker. The first half of the book was so boring and this whole movie is the first half of the book.
The plot of this instalment is very basic - Edward and Bella get married, go on their honeymoon, fall pregnant and have a baby. That is why the movie is so boring. Literally nothing of interest happens for the first half an hour at least. The wedding is sappy and the honeymoon is sooooo slow and dull - Bella's "seduction" attempts on Edward are laughable. For a real-life hot and heavy couple, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson don't have a lot of chemistry even when acting out the sex scene which of course is heavily veiled for the teen audience, just as the book was. When Bella realises she is pregnant with a half human-half vampire baby, which should not be possible in the book's mythology, things do start to happen. The main one being that the werewolf pack finds out and decides the baby must be killed, which splits the pack as Jacob vs the rest. The vampires must band together to protect Bella, who is fighting her own battle against the baby inside her which grows too fast and has a thirst for blood.
The only action in this movie is a brief vamps and werewolves vs werewolves fight which is well executed. Everything else is just really dull, with even cornier dialogue than previous outings and Jacob rips his shirt off and runs off into the forest, muscles rippling, inside the first 3 minutes. The thing I found most annoying was the bits in the book that were left out of this movie, even though being split into two instalments there should be more time to cover things off. One of the more interesting parts was how Rosalie was made into a vampire and therefore why she is the only one who sides with Bella about the baby - this is all skipped over leaving you wondering why she is suddenly so protective when she had previously been very cold towards Bella. Another part that was not conveyed well in the movie if you haven't read the book was how BIG of a goodbye Bella is saying to her family as she leaves for the honeymoon. With her plan being to be turned into a vampire after the honeymoon, she will not be able to see her family and friends anymore. However, you wouldn't really understand the emotion from the movie and Kristen's acting, other than to think "wow, that was an extra long hug". OK, perhaps disclaimer #1 above does influence my view of the movie a little.
In summary, the movie is corny, boring and very average. The ending does promise something more interesting to happen in the final instalment, as the ruling Volturi clan get wind of the baby's existence and speculate on what her special power may be and how it might be of use or threat to them. Do not read the next sentence if you don't want a spoiler - stop reading now. The funniest thing about the ending is that it seems to be quite promising of action and drama, but if you've read the book, you will know that it is all a bit of an anti-climax. Will I be going? I think I'll wait for DVD.
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